December 2, 2004...

It is now two years since our sweet little Chloe Isabel flew to the land of the stars above...

I can't believe that I still have more tears left. Where do they keep coming from? The supply seems infinite. Today has been an incredibly hard day. So many tears, so many memories. I feel like my body has just gone through those last few hours with my beautiful angel all over again. First thing this morning, I slipped into a soothing lavender bubble bath, turned out the lights and lit 12 candles...an amazing, tranquil escape...


I closed my eyes...letting the moment take me away...but to where it was going I wasn't exactly sure...


Until I went to a place of such beauty and uncertainty...

Back to the final moments shared with my sweet girl. I could feel her, hear her, touch her and love her as if she were right there in my arms. The mind is an amazing thing...I didn't ever want to open my eyes again. It was so real, I started shaking and crying. My cries turned to sobs and Frank came in to hold me. We sobbed together.

How did we get to this point? What possible reason could there be for Chloe's sweet soul to not be needed in this world? She is absolutely needed. Her dear little soul is sooo needed. The beauty that she brought to this world, why couldn't she have continued to breathe life and love into us all, while still enjoying her earthly body? I will never ever understand why this happened to such a precious little girl...to all of our precious babies. Why?

This has been such an emotional day...more so than I had anticipated. I wish I could say that this is getting easier, that time is easing the ache in my heart...but it isn't. I'm not sure how others have felt, but I feel that this year has been so much more difficult than the first year after our sweet angel flew. Is it because the first year we were numb? Walking in the clouds? And now we have hit the hard wall of reality? The thing I have noticed most this year is that I FEEL absolutely anything and everything. I feel the depths of despair, the heartache of loss, the longing to hold my baby, the extreme highs, the excruciating lows...I have felt it all sooo intensely. I am sooo tired from feeling. I feel full and yet empty. You know what I mean?

 We miss you sweetheart more than words can ever tell..

Last night my girlfriend and I went to the most lovely film, "Finding Neverland". If you haven't seen it, oh my goodness it is one of the most beautiful films I've seen possibly ever. I loved it, every delicious moment. I cried probably more than half of the movie, yeh I know, quite a bit. It touched parts of my heart and soul that needed to be touched, especially as I have been reflecting on Chloe's bright light. The film was about keeping the wonder and the magic of childhood within you always. Such a beautiful film. It is about life, loss, death, beauty, magic and love. It is about all the things each of us has gone through.Here is one line that has stuck with me and it makes me cry every time I think about it:

"She's on every page of your imagination. You'll always have her here. She went to Neverland and you can visit her there any time you like."

Peter asks, "How?"

I will always believe that my Chloe is up there in a magical land that my imagination envisions, I need to believe it is true...and I will always believe. She deserves nothing less.

As I re-lived Chloe's final moments this morning I was overcome by the most incredible feeling. I felt as I did on that day. As if I were already in Heaven with my sweet angel Chloe in my arms. I believed with all my heart that the feeling I was feeling was what Heaven must feel like. It was beautiful. Some days it takes everything I have to not want to go to the Heaven where Chloe dances. To be in her beauty once again. Oh if only.

I love you so much my sweetheart. Daddy and I have cried many tears of joy that we were sooo blessed with your dear little soul. Soooo blessed. Daddy and I have had a beautiful day filled with love, kindness and closeness. We only wish you could have been there cuddled in between us...but maybe, just maybe you were :)

Kisses Kisses Sweet Love. Elephant, Bunny, Ducky, Bear, Clown, Dolly, Giraffe and Chloe...that's You!! And we LOVE you soooo much!!

Kisses Kisses Kisses Kisses and still more Kisses xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx